Over the break, I got to talk to a lot of friends and family about how school has been going and how life has been in general. It was a time for me to rant about how bad school was, and how challenging things were going, and thinking back on those conversations, one thing stood out: the negativity that has slowly but surely creeped into me talking about my students and the system. I came into this full of hope (and some may say, a naive idealism) that I was going to turn things around and make these kids' lives better. Since then, I've been hit with multiple heavy doses of reality; I saw the magnitude of the challenge ahead of me, and slowly dampened expectations. Indeed, while being realistic is great and very necessary, I needed to not lose sight of the reason for which I came here to teach. I needed to remember why I joined this organization, and why I made a commitment to teach these kids. It was because I believed that they can, and will, get past the many obstacles they have faced in and outside of the schools and become productive, respectable citizens in their communities.
The first three months of teaching sent my lofty ambitions and goals tumbling down, and that was a good thing. My youthful idealism was replaced with a healthy view of reality that took pressure off myself and took the burden of 'changing' these kids off my shoulders. I saw how the kids couldn't read, couldn't behave, and didn't care about school, and I accepted it as something that just happens. Indeed, while being realistic was good, realism for me was soon replaced with apathy and negativity. My conversations with friends this weekend all revolved around how my kids couldn't read, or didn't care. They were negative in every way about my students and their attitude in school. I realized that the things I was saying about these students, while all true, showed an inherent attitude within me - one of resignation and complacency. I saw how these kids disrespected and mocked me, and decided that maybe I would focus on teaching those who did respect me. I saw how these kids didn't care about school, and I decided that if they didn't care, it was my job to teach those who did, instead of motivating those that didn't. I saw how these kids hated to be in my class, and decided that the best way forward was to discipline the troublemakers, but not investing in them and motivating them to actually want to be there. I had become apathetic about some of these students, mainly because I decided it was too much stress that I didn't really need to handle at the time.
Being indifferent, as it turns out, was so much easier than believing in each and every single one of these students. I love them all, but the question is whether I actually believed in all of them. Even my worse-behaved students I love and care about, because in the end, they're kids. However, did I really believe that they were going to make it academically and socially? Probably not. I had consigned myself to thinking that some of my students weren't going to pass the class. To me at the time, if they didn't care, how much effort did I need to make before it became too much? The answer, as I've come to realize, is never. I believe that God created every single human being in His own image (Gen. 1:27) and no one is worth any more or less than another. If Jesus himself didn't turn away lepers, tax collectors and prostitutes, why right did I have to do so? I had no right to think that some were beyond 'saving.'
Each and every single student is created in God's image, and not one of them deserve to be forgotten. They may not care, may not like me or want to be there, but as a teacher, it is my responsibility to believe in each and every one of them. I can't let indifference and apathy get the better of me, because that's not what I signed up for. It may take more work to get through to some than others, but that is indeed why I'm here. It may take a lot more stress, sleepless nights, frustrating conversations and prayers to motivate some others, but they deserve it. Many of these kids have never had a teacher that cared, and indeed, many of them don't even have parents that do. I can't blame them for resenting me, because in the end, it's not their fault. What I need to do is to ensure that each of my students can see God's love through me. God loved us unconditionally, and sent His son to die for us regardless of what we had done, so why can't we also learn to love unconditionally? I know it's hard, but I know that it's what I need to do. I know that I can only make a difference if I can get through not only to the 'good' kids but those that are apathetic and unmotivated. I'm not just going to stand there and let them fail; they deserve much better than that. Unconditional love means to sacrifice for them and to think of them before myself. I've gotten so much unconditional love from my parents, family, friends and God, and it's about time I showed it to my students. My students deserve it; each and every single one of them do.
Tomorrow will be a new day. It will be a different day, because I'm going in with a new attitude. I'm going in confident that none of them will fail, that they can all succeed. I'm going to believe in these students; that they will not only be better students, but better people. Because they can, and they will.
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